I'm an emotional wreck. I went to my first day at work yesterday and I don't know if I can do it again today. I don't want to be there. I'm crying day and night (when I'm not in the office) and I feel like I have no support. T feels guilty and so he just shuts down. None of my friends have kids so I have no one to confide in. All I have is my mother who's watching my girl when I'm at work and it's so hard. Why does everything fall to the women?? My husband is hardly impacted at all; he drops off the baby on his way to work. My mom has changed her entire schedule to care for her. I then have to drive out 45 min after work to pick her up and then another 45 min home. I end up doing double duty, because I'll work then take care of the baby then take care of the house and it's too much. I know my husband will say he'll help and then after a couple days he'll forget. I'm sure he's probably accustomed to how things were in his house. His mother took care of the house. But you know what?! She was a stay at home mom and she could. I can't do everything and I don't want to. My mother wants to move closer for a number of reasons but also so that I don't have this insane drive every day but my Dad is stubborn and refuses to budge. He doesn't seem to have any compassion. They are financially in a very poor place so it's not even like my mom could come out here and rent an apartment during the week if she wanted and space is tight in my house or I'd ask her to stay here during the week while she watches the baby. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to work but I have to and the only one who's helping me is my mother. I'm so freaking sad it's unreal. I don't understand what I did so wrong in my life to be in this position that I can't stay home with my baby...
Sorry I'm being so melodramatic. I just have no one to talk to.
I feel so alone.
January 26th, 2011 at 11:21 am
January 26th, 2011 at 12:48 pm 1296046096
Also...make sure you are communicating with your husband. Tell him how you feel. Don't attack and tell him what he's not doing, but what would help you. Babies do take a lot of time, some housework gets put to the back burner for awhile. Be gentle on yourself.
January 26th, 2011 at 01:43 pm 1296049417
January 26th, 2011 at 02:37 pm 1296052675
My husband likes to help, but just never knows what he should be doing, so you need to direct them, without sounding like you are their boss. I tell my husband that we are team; and I like having him on my team. It makes him feel important and helps me out.
And, new babies are always an adjustment. But, don't rush through your baby's life. They are so much fun, if you just slow down and enjoy it. Maybe you could stay a night at your mom's to help with your driving, say in the middle of the week. That way, you don't have to get the baby up on one day and it will lessen your driving. Just a thought.
January 26th, 2011 at 02:52 pm 1296053578
January 26th, 2011 at 03:25 pm 1296055530
January 26th, 2011 at 03:35 pm 1296056121
If you still feel overwhelmed in a week or two, consider making more drastic changes, whether it's daycare close to home or even making some different decisions about jobs. But give it a little longer, and don't try to be a hero and get everything done! Just do the minimum! We're all pulling for you here.
January 26th, 2011 at 04:55 pm 1296060931
1 - "Why does everything fall to the women??" Because the women let it. Plain and simple. As a woman, I don't understand most women. I expect more help from my husband, but I made that clear long before we ever married.
All that said, before we had kids dh did not help near as much around the house as he does since having kids. Clearly I needed more help, and he was able to step up to the plate. Good coomunication is key.
You really need to communicate to your husband that you just can not handle it.
2 - Are you a wreck because you don't want to leave your baby or are you a wreck due to hormones? Can you possibly be dealing PPD? I ask because I went back to work with my first after 8 weeks and it was no biggie to me at all. With my second, I Was having very minor signs of PPD was completely clueless until I went back to work. When I went back to work I fell apart. For me, it wasn't because of the baby, per se, and my astute mother (who suffers from depression) recognized the signs. I am not sure I would have realized. The whole time I Was home with the baby I had absolutely no stress (my husband was home with me) and the only clue was I started to have panic attacks when I drove in traffic or in a crowd. Otherwise, I have honestly never been happier. "Depression" was furthest from my mind. I just thought I had gotten used to a very relaxed lifestyle, but I couldn't concentrate when I got to work. I was maybe better able to clarify that had little to do with the baby since I already knew I could function fine as a working mom.
But, the hormones and stress of a baby are not easy to deal with, and are virtually impossible to deal with once you cross the line to depression. Not without talking about it and maybe medication.
3 - I know most my SAHM friends paint working as a horrific picture, but I have never identified with their "picture" because I work a few minutes from home. The people who watch my kids while I am at work are amazing (whether it be my spouse or the daycares/schools they have attended). When they were at home I would go home and lunch every day to spend time with them.
I think fixing the geography can change a lot.
Personally, I would hang in there and give it some time. While you give it time, I'd work on a Plan B. The fact is, you may not be able to handle it as is, but it is not hopeless - you will figure something out. I know very few women who worked the first 1-2 when they had children. MOST of them felt like they had to work, but quickly changed their minds. This is why I always suggest a Plan B to any mom who plans to go back to work. Most of them completely ignore me, but this is the rule rather than the exception.
January 26th, 2011 at 07:31 pm 1296070275
1). {Hugs}. You have a supportive community here and can vent whenever you need to. Many of us have been down this road too.
2). Remind yourself that it's only been 2 days. This is a HUGE adjustment for you, hubby, and your mom. Work through it one day at a time.
3). Concentrate on doing only what absolutely, positively needs to be done. Get that under control, then start adding the other stuff back in. It's ok to make simple meals (in the crockpot or frozen ahead), let the laundry pile up a bit, etc. Take care of yourself first.
Good luck, and vent whenever you need to.
January 26th, 2011 at 08:38 pm 1296074339
January 26th, 2011 at 08:48 pm 1296074903
January 26th, 2011 at 09:14 pm 1296076481
January 26th, 2011 at 09:40 pm 1296078021
I would insist you need help and be ready to be specific about what kinds of things he could do to help.
January 26th, 2011 at 09:47 pm 1296078451
I have perhaps a silly question. Do you really have to work? If I were you I would take a look at my bring home salary and then tally up the expenses for working. When my kids were very small I babysat other children for a couple of years. That had its own struggles but it did enable me to stay home with the boys until they got a bit older. Just some thoughts. Believe me, though, you are not alone and every thought you are having is normal. Your DH does need to help out more too.
January 26th, 2011 at 11:09 pm 1296083341
I agree with most of the comments/suggestions. I honestly don't think it's post partum depression. I was a complete wreck for a week and a half after the baby was born but ever since then I had been fine. It really is the thought of leaving my baby for hours that's got me in a tailspin. I think the hardest part was not being able to talk to my husband about it. He is the greatest husband and the best friend I've ever had. Most of the time we get along so well but this issue really threw a wrench in things. Simply put, he shuts down because he feels guilty. He feels like he's let me down by not enabling me to be a stay at home mom. I know we need to talk it out so he can get rid of the guilt he feels and I can shed this sadness by venting. I know it will get easier. I know this gut wrenching feeling will pass. I just need to learn how to take things day by day for now and keep my thinking cap on. Maybe I can figure out another solution for my family, but for now this isn't such a bad situation and things could be much worse.
I appreciate all your kind words